A Busy May Full of Visits and Transitions

I took a few weeks off of blogging in May – it was a bit of a crazy month! My dad visited at the end of April, then my mom came for a visit.

Our Chinese teacher (who has become a friend) graduated and moved across the country to be with her husband.

We had an ER trip for FangFang when she flipped her wheelchair over on top of herself. She was, fortunately and miraculously, completely fine.

We’ve had FangFang enrolled in public school, receiving homebound services, but we had her last session and withdrew her from public school.

I spoke at our church’s women’s retreat, where we studied the book of James, super hard-hitting. I loved getting that time away with other women, having good conversations, connecting, and worshiping together. The camping atmosphere was…not my favorite 🙂 But we did have cabins with beds, and there was an actual bathroom, and I survived! And I learned a lot studying James 3 and 4 in preparation for my talk about our speech, about our hearts, about our recognition (or lack thereof) of God in the world, and about humility and wisdom – a lot to cover but some really good stuff.

FangFang also managed to fit in a trip to urgent care. She fell off of a picnic table at the park, earning a cut on her face that required 5 stitches.

We spent a day in St. Louis with my cousin Kevin and his family, which was a blast. We really enjoy Kevin and Rebecca, and they have a daughter, Sawyer, who is just a bit older than Miranda, so we all had a really fun time hanging out together.

Matt finished his semester and headed to Michigan for 6 days, at which point my mom came back for another visit to help out while he was gone. We might have survived without her, but it was definitely incredibly helpful to have her here, especially since no one slept well for most of that week! Atticus, in particular, is very attached to his routines, including Matt putting him to bed each night, and he was not always pleased to have me hanging out with him instead. And we got to have some fun outings – going to a pow wow and spending a bit of time at the pool.

Then our horseback riding instructor (who has also become a good friend) moved to the St. Louis area, and while we can keep in touch, we’ve said goodbye to having her as our regular instructor and seeing her quite as frequently.

And we switched Miranda from her regular swim club to summer swim league at our local pool. And it…did not go well. It was super crowded, including a lot of older kids, with more of a focus on racing against other kids during practice, as opposed to just improving yourself. It took only a couple days of misery before we switched her back to her regular swim team! I should have paid more attention to my own counsel, realizing that finding an activity that works well with a coach or instructor who is a good fit is hard to do – those good instructors are worth their weight in gold – and we should have just stuck with what was working. But we made it right, and even though we lost some money, and I felt like a bit of a flake, I’m glad we did it 🙂

Then we wrapped up the month with a visit from my aunt and uncle! We got to have dinner and hang out with them and give them a brief tour of the Mizzou campus and just enjoy having a bit of time together.

The month was full of so much good stuff – we loved having visitors and opportunities for connection.

But also? I hate change. Knowing it is coming makes me nervous, and I always mourn for what we are losing. If it were up to me, I’d very rarely choose those transitions. And I think that’s one reason why God put me in a college town, where change happens constantly, and I’d have to deal with it. I can’t hold anything in my life too tightly, and I’m forced to embrace change and newness.

I’m still mourning the losses, the unexpected injuries, the moving of friends, and all the transitions. But I’m looking forward with hope to what is to come.

Fifteen Years

Fifteen years. It’s been fifteen years since we said I do.

We were babies (almost literally – I can’t believe we got married when I was 20). We had no idea how much we didn’t know.

And as I look back on these fifteen years of glory, my instinct is to go to the “high points,” the mountaintop experiences and accomplishments. We’ve had plenty of those. We’ve traveled the world together.

(And the small joys – ohmygoodness, I laugh every time I see the forehead hickey you gave yourself!)

We’ve brought two babies into this world.

And we’ve added two more to our family through adoption.

Our 15 years of marriage have been filled with incredible joy.

And yet…I’ve had that line from Hallelujah running through my head – “love is not a victory march; it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.”

We’ve had our fair share of cold and broken hallelujahs too.

We’ve done counseling and Zoloft. We’ve had our fights. I’ve dropped to my knees and cried out to God in tearful prayers of brokenness and desperation. We’ve looked death in the face (I just can’t bring myself to post the pictures here right now, but, readers, you can scroll back through these posts if you haven’t seen them already).

I don’t know what the next 15 years hold for us. A part of me is terrified to find out.

And yet – I trust that no matter what happens, we are a team, united together ’til death do us part.

When we start to drift away, I trust that we’ll turn back toward one another, over and over and over again.

I’m thankful for many years of knowing you, of doing life with you, of reading good books and having great conversations, of being real and genuine and vulnerable, of hurting each other and making amends, of hard work, of loving and serving, of triumphs and celebrations, of victory marches and broken hallelujahs. And I pray that we’ll have many more to come.

Access Matters

I’m sorry to have to admit that, for most of my life, I was pretty oblivious to issues of accessibility and disability rights. It took exploring adoption through a special needs program to begin to open my eyes, and it took adopting a child who actually has a medical need that is considered a real disability for me to begin to truly see. And I’m still learning – but I see more than I used to see.

Everywhere we go, everywhere we look, there are barriers to access.

Do I want to go to a park? Do I want to take my kids to play at a playground? Do we want to go to church (did you know that churches are exempt from the ADA?)? Do I want to sign my children up for a group or activity? Do we want to hire a baby-sitter to watch our children? Do we want to take advantage of the childcare advertised as being provided in conjunction with an event?

Because one of the members of our family has a disability, none of those activities are ever straightforward for us. Every single one requires advance planning, maybe scouting out a location, maybe explaining our situation to whoever is in charge.

Even the language that we, as a society, use to talk about disability and access is often awkward. I cringe when I hear the phrase, “wheelchair bound.” Does this look like a child who is “bound” to and restricted by her wheelchair?

I’d argue not. FangFang’s wheelchair is an amazing tool that allows her greater access to the world around her than she would otherwise have. Without it, she would have almost no “social mobility” – the ability to move herself around in public places. At home, she is quite mobile – she can butt-scoot or crawl to get herself almost anywhere, including up and down stairs – but butt-scooting down the aisles of Target isn’t exactly within our social mores. It’s true I could put her in a stroller, but in that situation, I’m pushing her around, and she has no control over where she goes. At four, just like other four-year-olds, she wants to have some freedom to explore her world, and it’s entirely appropriate for her to have that. That is what her wheelchair offers for her.

FangFang knows there are things that other kids her age can do that she can’t. She doesn’t often communicate that it bothers her…but when we find ways to facilitate her participation and her independence, her excitement is palpable. She has been potty trained for months, but because she doesn’t walk independently, and she’s so tiny, she has always relied upon me to assist her in the bathroom, even as she has seen her younger brother use the bathroom on his own. This week she received a custom-made step-stool, a modified version of this one, that allows her to be almost entirely independent in the bathroom. She is beyond thrilled.

It’s true, providing for access is expensive. It’s almost never efficient. But don’t the lives of people with disabilities matter? They’re people, right? My daughter who doesn’t walk independently is still a person, still an image-bearer of the Living God, worthy of respect and dignity, right? And my friend’s daughter, who is deaf? And another friend’s son living with HIV? We, as a society, should not be setting up systems that perpetuate exclusion. None of us benefit from that situation. Right? Do you believe that with me?

I hope you do. But sometimes I wonder. Maybe other people don’t? If they did, would it be this hard?

It breaks my heart that I am going to have to, at some point, teach FangFang to advocate for herself in a world that, in so many ways, is not built for her. I am so thankful for the ways in which we as a country have grown in inclusion – for the ADA, for IDEA, and more. But we still have so far to go. And as hard as the mental back-and-forth is for me, the mother of a child with disabilities (I need more help – I literally cannot do X unless someone else helps me; but who am I to request additional help, beyond what everyone else gets, when I know people already have a lot on their plates; what should I do here?), I am committed to the fight, for my child and for those who come after her; would you like to join me? I don’t want them to have to fight so hard. And I wear my new shirt to remind myself of the future for which I’m fighting.

 

A Day in the Life of a Homeschooling Mom

A blog I follow is doing a series on a “Homeschool Day in the Life.” I loved reading through some of the writers’ entries on that topic and especially reading through their current and some of their older entries and seeing how their lives had changed over time. It’s such a fun record of what life is really like during a given stage and how that evolves over the years in small changes that often pass unnoticed at the time but add up into significant shifts over time. I’d like to keep that record for my family 🙂

This year we have kiddos in 2nd grade (Miranda, age 7), 1st grade (Madeleine CaiQun, age 7), and a very, very, very loose pre-school (FangFang, age 4, and Atticus, age 3). I’m sharing about our day from last Friday.

I have been trying to get up early and spend some time doing my own Bible study before my kids are all up – but I’ve had a cold, and I wasn’t sleeping well, and in the night I re-set my alarm for 8:30 – a last possible wake-up time if a child didn’t wake me up before then 🙂 I got up around then and headed downstairs for our breakfast routine. Matt and I work together to get breakfast on the table for everyone, and while we’re eating, the big kids work on math and handwriting. Miranda is using Singapore for math this year, and she usually doesn’t need much instruction – math just clicks for her. Madeleine CaiQun uses Math-U-See, so she and I watch a DVD of instruction together every 5 or 6 days, but otherwise she just needs to do one workbook lesson each morning. As they finish, I check their work and call them back to the table to fix anything that was not correct the first time.

Once math and handwriting (our table subjects) are out of the way, the kids get some free play time. I’ll usually take this time to do any dinner prep that needs to be taken care of ahead of time, respond to some e-mails, or do some cleaning. On this particular day, I mostly did some cleaning, so our kitchen and dining room would be in better shape when our Chinese teacher arrived to help us make dumplings that afternoon.

Around 11:00 I gave the girls a 5 minute warning that we’d be starting our reading school soon. They know that means it’s time to start wrapping up, but we still had a bit of difficulty transitioning from play time back to school work. It’s easier when we have a concrete activity to do (a Cosmic Yoga show or a walk, for example), but they also love just having free play time.

For reading school, the big kids join me on the couch. More often than not, the littles join us, too, but on this day, they were fascinated by a book they got out on their own and chose to look at that together instead.

The big girls and I read through our books for Bible, History, Geography, and some Literature from our Sonlight curriculum and our readings for Black History Month. Normally we’d do Science, too, but our most recent book about Science had been a Magic School Bus book, and they’d been so excited about it that we’d tackled 5 days’ worth of reading and work all in one day! We also often do a lesson from our Language Arts book and/or Spelling, but Thursdays and Fridays get a bit tight for us with our afternoon commitments, and we were starting a bit late, so I opted not to try to get those in. We still had a pile of books to work through, though 🙂

Miranda was having a bit of a rough day. She is strong-willed, passionate, and intense – all amazing, wonderful personality traits – but sometimes it’s hard for her to settle in to what her mama wants to do at any given moment 😉 Routine helps with that but doesn’t eliminate the struggle entirely, and we continue to work and pray.

Once we finished that portion of school, it was almost lunch time. I agreed that the big girls could have a break from work and take some more time to play if they would promise to help me finish cleaning up after lunch. Lunches at our house these days tend to be leftovers, some thrown together snack type foods (veggies, fruit, yogurt, crackers, nuts, cheese, etc.) or, probably most frequently, some sort of pasta – spaghetti, ravioli, or macaroni and cheese – not the absolute healthiest, but they’re quick and easy and work for everyone! We reviewed our current Bible memory verses and some of our Chinese language learning during lunch – in particular, we were supposed to have a Happy New Year poem ready to recite, so we needed to make sure we were prepared for that!

After lunch, I reminded the girls of their promise to help clean up…and it did not exactly go how I would have desired. I needed to get the dining room table cleared and cleaned, and if the big kids are in a great, agreeable mood, they can do a decent job of picking up toys, but they’re still at an age where they often need me to help break the job down into smaller pieces and participate along with them, and the little kids are definitely still at that age. They disobeyed, I yelled, and we all needed to apologize and seek forgiveness. We managed to get it all done, and then we snuggled on the couch to read a couple Encyclopedia Brown stories before our Chinese teacher arrived.

On a normal non-Friday day, after our living room clean-up time, we’d usually have 15-45 minutes of quiet reading time, and then the kids would watch a couple shows on Netflix while I worked. Then on Mondays, Wednesdays, and most Fridays, we’d get ready to head out for Miranda’s swim practice. On his way home from work, Matt sometimes picks up the younger kids there so they don’t have to stay through the entire practice (and I don’t have to corral them all through the entire practice, because let’s just say that bringing a 3-year-old boy to swim practice is always an adventure 😉 ), but otherwise we all hang out there until we come home for dinner time. Tuesdays we have our small group, and Thursdays FangFang has PT earlier in the afternoon, so the whole reading and tv and work routine gets shifted later so it bumps up right into dinner time.

On Friday afternoons, though, our Chinese teacher comes! Normally we work on language learning, but this week we got to learn how to make dumplings!

Jenny had already made some pork dumplings ahead of time, and she had prepared some vegetarian filling to bring so we could all work together to make vegetarian dumplings to stay closer to our mostly pescetarian diet. We all loved making the dumplings, and she has promised to give me her filling recipes, so we can replicate them in the future! Then, of course, we cooked and ate them – yum!

After Jenny left, I had the big girls do their independent reading and then come discuss it with me as they finished. This is the first year in which I’m not having them read all of their readers out loud to me. Partly that’s a practical matter – as they have grown in reading ability, they’ve also grown in quantities that they read, and it saves us all time if they read quietly on their own 🙂 But also they are good enough readers now that they can read quietly and independently, which is pretty awesome!

Then I let the kiddos watch a couple tv shows. I needed to finish cleaning up from our dumpling making and then get started on dinner, so I wouldn’t be able to get in any work time, but we all need some quiet down time in the afternoon. And I was able to make our baked oatmeal and smoothie “breakfast for dinner” meal and get another dish of baked oatmeal prepared and in the refrigerator to take the next morning to a women’s ministry event at church.

The big girls and I had some conflict again that evening when I asked them to help me set the table for dinner. They didn’t want to, they said. They wouldn’t do it, they said. When I ask them to do things around the house, they feel like slaves, they said. We had a conversation about authority, teamwork, and who actually does most of the household work. One daughter seemed mollified; the other stomped up to her room.

We’d been planning to attend a Chinese New Year showcase, featuring our school district’s students who have been learning Mandarin, but once Matt got home, he and I had to have a conversation about whether that could still happen in light of all the drama of the day. The daughter who had refused to help at dinner time insisted that she would modify her behavior, and she was able to handle it, and she wanted us to go – and I really wanted us all to go. We are pretty busy, and it feels like a lot of our life consists of Matt taking the kids to a fun event while I work or me taking kids to a fun event while he works, or one of us taking some of the kids while the other stays home with another group of kids, not all of us doing things together. I had been looking forward to a fun outing for us all to enjoy together, so I was glad to be able to make it happen. We loaded everyone into the van and headed downtown for the showcase.

Matt put the little kids to bed when we got home, and the big kids stayed up just a bit longer and watched a show while I exercised on our elliptical before I put them to bed. We’ve been reading some Encyclopedia Brown stories, as well as our primary Read-Alouds, as bedtime stories. After I read to them, I prayed for them and tucked them in and came back downstairs – parenting day done – phew.

Matt and I generally try to reconnect and spend some time together after the kids are in bed. I showered, and then we chatted about our days and my women’s ministry event the next morning and just random, fun stuff while we played Upwords. Usually we go to bed at the same time, and I read to him from the book we’re reading together, but on this particular night, he still felt like he had some energy and had a painting he wanted to work on, but I was pretty wiped out. I went upstairs and climbed into bed and journaled and prayed for a little while. I’d been feeling a bit disconnected from God – I’m sure in part due to my not getting up early to spend time in the Word on my own, but also I’ve been very focused on doing things recently, less on being thoughtful and prayerful about what He could be doing and how I could and should be responding to that. I needed to spend some time wrestling with that (and realizing that it had probably played a part in our hard day, as well), and then I read for just a few minutes before I went to sleep.

Honestly, it didn’t feel like a great day. Making dumplings was super cool, and it was neat to see the Chinese New Year showcase. But the kids and I had more conflict than usual. I got a lot of cleaning done but not a lot of fun, relaxing time with the kiddos. It was a stressful day. But some days are like that. I thought about going back and choosing a different day to write about (the next day we had a lot of fun and games and puzzles and happiness!), but that seemed less genuine. The truth is that we have some really fun, encouraging days, but we also have days full of conflict and anger and hurt feelings and apologies and repentance, and they’re both real. Maybe next year my “day in the life” post will hit on a better day 🙂 Until then, this was just one day in our homeschooling life!

Homeschooling Black History Month

In general, we follow our Sonlight curriculum pretty closely for homeschooling. In fact, Sonlight’s curriculum being pretty much “open and go,” requiring very little preparation from me before our school day begins, is one of the reasons we’ve chosen it for much of our curriculum.

But one thing I took away from my reading of Teaching From Rest was that curriculum is so much more than the package I order. The books and plans I order from Sonlight are a great starting point, but I need to make sure I’m giving my kids what I think they need to know.

In the context of the current events of the past year, we’ve been having a number of conversations about race and racism, and I thought it was important to honor Black History Month somehow, taking some time specifically to learn about and grow in respect for Black Americans.

Last month, on the designated day, we took some time to learn about and honor Martin Luther King, Jr., but I wanted us to go beyond that, to know more amazing Black Americans.

One of my kiddos asked me at the beginning of the month why we were specifically studying Black Americans. She wanted to know – was that because Black people were more important than white people?

No, I replied. Absolutely not. But when we read history books, who do we hear about? White people – mostly white men. When we look at the people who have been in power in Europe and America for hundreds of years, who have they been? White men. And can we truly understand history if we really only know what the most famous people from one particular demographic were doing? No. If we want to understand the history of our world, and in particular our country, we need to understand what was and is happening with men and women, with Black people and white people, Native Americans, Chinese Americans, Irish Americans, and other people groups throughout history. Because many books focus most on the same demographic (white men in power), we need to make a concerted effort to learn about what other people have done and are doing.

And so we’ve been diving in this month, learning more about Black people and their current reality and their history. Two books we’ve been using are Little Leaders: Bold Women in Black History and Can I Touch Your Hair?: Poems of Race, Mistakes, and Friendship.

Our big girls have been so enjoying both books – they often choose to start our school time with them, and I’ve found them both reading them on their own, as well.

Both books have been great starting points for conversation and learning more. Matt and I have had great talks with the kiddos – Miranda in particular – about why Black people have been economically disadvantaged in America, why the Civil Rights movement was needed, what the KKK was and is, and how God calls us to live, even in the face of fear and real danger.

Our kids are still so young, but even young kids perceive race and have begun to develop ideas and attitudes about race. Our kids are going to develop their racial understandings somehow, and we can either be a voice for equality, progress, and justice, or we can be silent. Matt and I believe strongly that we want to work toward progress. We don’t know everything. We don’t have it all figured out. I’m sure there’s more we could be doing. But we can either let our inability to be perfect prevent us from doing anything, or we can start somewhere, however small. I’m thankful for this opportunity to teach (and learn with!) my kiddos this month, and my hope is that we can build on this for future months and years, as well, as we seek to raise kiddos who are good citizens of the world.

If you are a home-schooling family – or even if you’re not! – I’d love to hear how you honor Black History Month and seek to incorporate learning about Black Americans into your family’s life during this month!