On Falling Down and Getting Back Up

Oh, dear blog, how I have missed you! It turns out that attempting to conquer a semester of grad school while also homeschooling four children, working part time, and managing a household creates a situation in which blog writing falls away. I am going to attempt to share more over the next few weeks, though! And today, I have put together a bit of writing.

I ended my summer falling off a horse – my first fall in eighteen months – and I didn’t settle for just one. First, an adorable little pony decided he did not appreciate being the last horse in line to trot sensibly across a pasture, and he expressed his displeasure by taking off at a gallop and bucking and tossing me on the ground. Courtney said I was “yeeted,” and it felt like it, that day and for days afterward. That one hurt physically but not so much emotionally. He had decided he wanted me off, and he was going to get me. There was really nothing I could have done about it.

A few weeks later, I had a lesson on a faster horse than I usually ride in jumping lessons, and I wasn’t riding well after I landed my jumps. My heels weren’t down, and I wasn’t steering well, and I came off as I attempted (or failed to attempt) to steer after landing a jump. That one was more of a blow to my confidence, because it was entirely my fault.

Then, two weeks later, I was on a different faster horse, and I just could not relax and ride. I was thinking about my last fall, I was nervous before I got on, and I could not calm down and put it together. Toward the end of the lesson, I missed my turn, did not make a plan, and came off. It actually felt like the least bad fall physically, but mentally, I was a mess. I got back on my horse and went over a couple jumps, but I cried most of the way home.

Unfortunately, I was also more of a mess physically than I initially realized. The next day I went to urgent care to be evaluated for a concussion. They told me that my symptoms would probably go away in a few days to a few weeks…but they actually persisted for weeks and months, and I still occasionally have symptoms even now. I was out of riding lessons entirely for about a month, and then I gradually eased back into it, starting with flat lessons on horses I felt safe on, eventually a private jumping lesson, and now I’m back to my regular jumping lessons (but still riding only horses I feel totally safe riding).

The mental and emotional recovery has been – and continues to be – a journey I am working through. I had a conversation with Courtney one night about how to tell whether it was even worth it. I’m not a horse trainer like she is. I don’t have to ride horses. I could stop riding fast horses and training horses and just ride the dead broke, slow lesson horses. I could keep riding but not actually work to improve. I wasn’t sure how I would know what to do. I knew I needed to get back up, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted my goals to be anymore.

She told me it wasn’t about the horses for me. It’s about what type of person I am. Am I the type of person who will get back up? Can I conquer something scary? Can I get back to riding fast horses and training horses? Can I ride and feel joy again instead of being consumed by anxiety?

I’m working on it – because that’s the kind of person I want to be.

jumping my first oxer during last night’s lesson

Back to School – for Me!

I’ve written recently about re-evaluating the stories I’ve told myself about my life and about contemplating these questions, “Am I living the life that God designed me to live? Am I using all of the gifts He has given me? Am I experiencing the resonance that comes with doing what I was born to do?”

I wrote in that post, “I do not feel like I am wildly alive. I debate with myself about whether this matters. Is this just a first world problem? Am I having a mid-life crisis? Do other people feel this way? Am I selfish to want to feel wildly alive? Am I fulfilling my self as I go about my daily life? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I like my life. I like the work I do. I want to keep doing it. And yet, I think there is more to it than being whatever anyone else needs me to be in any given moment.”

I took some flak for that post. Some people seemed to think that I was writing about becoming more selfish and inwardly focused.

That wasn’t it. I am looking at myself, my life, and the ways in which I interact with the world around me – but not just to obtain gains for myself. I am passionate about loving people well. I believe that all of us, when working together, can help one another grow so much more than any of us can on our own. I think I could do more to use my gifts and talents.

I started examining myself, thinking about what those gifts and talents are, contemplating my own interests and passions. I thought about what nourishes my soul and what I could see for my future. I sought counsel from friends. I talked with people who know me well.

And I decided to apply to graduate school.

Because I am a researcher at heart, I spent hours pouring over websites and talking to representatives of various programs. I evaluated what features were most important to me. And then I took the plunge and applied to my top choice program.

I heard back from them quickly, and I am proud to share that I will be starting the program to earn my Master of Arts degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Bradley University this fall!

I am intimidated by the prospect of continuing to be a full-time homeschooling mom, a part-time employee, and now also a part-time grad student. However, I think it is important for me to work toward a career about which I am passionate. I think it is important for me to continue to learn. I think it is important for my kids to see me doing those things. And while I recognize that there is immense privilege in saying this – because we need to stay very isolated while the pandemic continues to rage, I actually have more free time to begin an undertaking of this nature than I have had in years.

I believe those years have prepared me well for this moment, though. I love academics and was an excellent student during my time at Northwestern University. In the years since then, I have maintained a strong commitment to introspection and personal growth. I have spent countless hours doing “lay counseling” and informal mentorship in church contexts. I’ve worked hard to learn how to cultivate relationships with each of my children, with their own unique personalities and their own backgrounds. I’ve had to learn about and practice trauma-informed parenting, and I now help others to do the same. All of those experiences have shaped me into the person I am today and will inform my studies of counseling and ultimately prepare me to become a counselor. I am so excited – I can’t wait!!