We Left Our Church This Year

In a recent post, I alluded to the fact that this year has been tough. There are so many factors that have been at play in that.

One big one, though, has been a spiritual questioning, an uncertainty.

I became a Christian as a sophomore in college, and I spent the next decade generally feeling pretty at home in evangelical Christianity. Sure, there were some areas about which I wasn’t sure exactly what to think. And there were segments of evangelical Christianity with which I felt I fit more than others. But I fit.

And then came the lead up to the 2016 presidential election. I’d already known that Matt and I were more progressive than many other evangelicals. We voted for Obama in both 2008 and 2012.

But 2015-2016 felt different – in particular because of the rise of Trump and because so many evangelical Christians supported him, seemingly wholeheartedly. He was famously quoted as saying, “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters.” In my mind, it is a problem if your opinion of a person or their fitness for office would not change if you were to be confronted with undeniable evidence that the person was a murderer.

We already knew who Trump was. We had heard how he spoke about women. We had seen him mock a disabled reporter. We knew. But the Access Hollywood tapes were a whole new level – a stark confirmation that Trump really was the lascivious, lewd, disrespectful human being we had believed him to be. I thought maybe the position of evangelical Christians would be swayed by this clear moral failure – and for a moment, it seemed that it might be. Wayne Grudem, the author of Systematic Theology, a book I considered for many years to be second to the Bible in its authority, penned an editorial withdrawing his support for Trump.

But then – just ten days later – he again urged voters to choose Trump.

What do you do when someone you once considered to be virtually infallible in his Christian character and wisdom and understanding makes a choice – and urges others to make a choice – that you find clearly morally repugnant? What do you do when you start to identify more with writers like Shannon Dingle (who wrote an incredibly persuasive editorial about why she, as a pro-life woman, was voting for Hillary Clinton) than with Wayne Grudem? What do you do when the voices that speak to you most begin to be people like Sarah Bessey and Jen Hatmaker? When you actually read some of the writings of Rachel Held Evans – whom you’d always, for some reason, dismissed as a rogue inventor of convenient theology – and find that you actually identify with her and her questions and explorations?

What happens when you learn and understand more about the experience of LGBTQ+ individuals and begin to see how important it is that you do not go along with the church’s high-priority, black-and-white stance on an issue that Jesus never saw fit to address once in the Gospels? What about when you have a daughter with a physical disability and you realize how behind white evangelical Christianity is in prioritizing the lives and access of people with disabilities? What about when you know that her experience – and your experience as her family – at your own church has not always worked for your family and is heading toward another season of not working as well as it should? What happens as you realize that the differences between your own stance on gender roles and your church’s is growing, not shrinking – and on top of that, your three daughters are racing toward adulthood? What about when you begin to think about the ways in which church structure – a topic you’d always considered pretty uninteresting – actually matters a great deal to the ways in which relationships within the church function and the health of those relationships? And what happens when you realize that, within your sphere, there are some questions it would not be okay to ask and some answers it would not be okay to give?

If you are me, you begin to investigate – quietly. You begin to question things that you used to believe were black-and-white certainties. You read books. You talk to people you respect. You realize that there are so many more questions than there are answers. Sometimes you do have answers – but those answers are not always the same as the answers the people you have revered as heroes of the faith believe to be true. And sometimes you come to believe that the questions might stand on their own – with answers to be unknown in perpetuity.

And you realize that you can no longer stand in a place of claiming Truth in all of these matters. You no longer believe that the answers are all black and white and certain. You have been given new glasses, your vision has deepened, and you now see the grays.

There is a discontent in the questions. You miss having the answers. You didn’t mean to trade your answers for questions. You thought you were chasing new answers, and you still hope that someday you will find them, but you realize that for now, you are being asked to sit with the questions.

But there is also a peace. There is a space for the not knowing. There is a space for the investigating. There is time for the paths and the future to unfold. There is freedom in that but also fear. You wonder what the future holds – and you don’t know. You are now conscious of the fact that you cannot see the entirety of the path your life is taking – you never really could, but now you know it.

As you contemplate a separation from your church, you realize that you have spent so long conflating the voice of your church and the voice of God that you are no longer able to distinguish between the two of them. You know that the survival of your heart depends upon your relearning to recognize the voice of God. You feel a little bit like Elijah, standing out in the wilderness, waiting and listening – wondering if the voice of the Lord is going to be in the wind or the earthquake or the fire. You know in your heart that it is not – but you also don’t know whether you will recognize His voice when the low whisper comes. You hope desperately that you will – and you know that you have to try.

And you resign your membership in your church. You cry and you mourn and you grieve. You talk to your therapist. These were your people for 12 years. You served together in ways too numerous to count. You brought your babies home to this church. You have shared your life with these people, and you know that some of those relationships will be altered. You have no desire to walk away from these people. But you no longer feel like you fit in this particular institutional manifestation of the church.

It feels a little bit like becoming untethered. Where you were once firmly stationary, set in your little place in the big world, you are now adrift. You feel more alone, more separate from a group, than you have felt in a long time. Part of you feels free to breathe in that new alone-ness; and part of you feels lonely. You are able to explore much more broadly the world around you. You are now free falling, and oh, my God, it is beautiful! But it is wild and terrifying, as well. You wonder – the God of the universe, that Being whose essence you once foolishly thought could be captured in a theology book, whom you once thought you were close to understanding as well as was humanly possible – will He catch you?

And you hope in the wisdom of the Internet age that you have seen so often before.

You don’t know what this journey forward will look like. But you place one foot in front of the other and you trust that God is still writing your story, and that He is good. Sarah Bessey writes in Miracles and Other Reasonable Things, “When we try to script our own resurrections, we miss the places where God wants to surprise us with a more full, more whole expression of healing than we could ever imagine” (p. 157). You feel great comfort in that but also great wonder. You wait, listening, for the low whisper, and you wonder what it will say, and what your story will hold.

Snuggles, Tantrums, and Perspective

One day this past weekend I came downstairs this afternoon after snuggling my two babies to sleep, and my heart was full.

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As I was lying between them, I’d told myself, “This is what you were made to do.” 

This return home has not been without its hard times. Our original 3 are all working through the adjustment to having another child join the family, and we’ve seen some jealousy, some big feelings, some good (and not so good) conversations, and some world class tantrums. Jet lag is so intense. Matt and I are working through how to do marriage as parents of four and how to support each other in the midst of this new reality. I still have the last little bits of unpacking to tackle. This past week and a half has been immeasurably intense.

And in the midst of that, I’ve been so thankful for the encouragement of friends. A sweet friend of mine from Chicago, whom I don’t see nearly as often as I’d like but who is still such a blessing in my life, texted me the other day and said, “The gifts God gave you are an unusual mix – smarts, common sense, discipline…exactly what you need to do what he’s called you to at this time.” Those words of life-giving perspective were just what I needed in the midst of that afternoon.

I need to remember that parenting is good work. It’s work that God has called me to, it’s work for which He has and is equipping me, and it’s of the utmost importance. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that. Parenting isn’t generally grandiose. But the hearts and souls of these little people whom God has entrusted to my care are so precious, and the ways in which I interact with them matter. It’s easier to be peaceful and joyful in those interactions when I have a precious toddler sleeping on either side of me; harder when one of those toddlers is going on minute 25 of an intense tantrum. But whether a sweet moment or a challenging one, I am trying to remind myself that the time I’m spending investing in these little ones is important, and it’s the main work God has given me for this time in my life, and He is with me in every minute of it.

I actually thought I’d be less emotionally intense about the entire adoption process and the adjustments when we came home, having been through it all before, but that has not been the case. I was emotional while in China, and I’m emotional now.

That applies to the good and the bad. We got to go to church on Sunday morning and worship God as a family. Even up until the night before, we weren’t sure we’d attempt it. FangFang exhibited some pretty strong “mommy shopping” tendencies in China, but that has diminished some since we have come home, so we thought it might work for all of us to go and just to keep her close, and I think it went pretty well!

We sang the song, “Rejoice” by Dustin Kensrue, and as I sang the lyrics, I couldn’t help but reflect on our adoption journey:

All our sickness, all our sorrows
Jesus carried up the hill
He has walked this path before us
He is walking with us still

Turning tragedy to triumph
Turning agony to praise
There is blessing in the battle
So take heart and stand amazed

Rejoice, when you cry to Him He hears
Your voice, He will wipe away your tears
Rejoice, in the midst of suffering
He will help you sing

Rejoice, come and lift your hands and
Raise your voice, He is worthy of our praise
Rejoice, sing of mercies of your King
And with trembling rejoice

It’s such a blessing to be home with all four of our babies, and I know that God’s hand was in this whole process. I think of the health obstacles, the emotional obstacles, the financial obstacles, and everything else we had to work through to get to FangFang and bring her home, and I think of how it all came together with what in so many ways is perfect timing, and I know we couldn’t have done it all on our own. In the midst of the good and the bad, in the midst of sleeping babies and intense tantrums, in the midst of enjoying reconnecting with Matt and not really enjoying nights full of interruptions to our sleep, I’ll rejoice, thanking God for this work He’s given to me to do and thanking Him for bringing us to this place.