There is sometimes an undercurrent of pervasive loneliness to my days. Often times I don’t blog on my bad days. Who wants to hear – or read – whining? But it is sometimes on our bad days that we feel things most deeply. It was during what was probably the darkest period of my life that I wrote the most – nearly daily outpourings from my soul’s efforts to sort through this life.
I don’t think this is a dark season. In fact, this season is full of blessings and intense joys. When I think back to the course my life was on 7 or 8 years ago, I can hardly believe that this life is now mine. God has lavished His grace upon me. During that dark time, I desperately wanted to be a mother and yet couldn’t. It was not that we were struggling with infertility but rather that the circumstances in which we were living were such that we could not see ourselves able to have children and raise them well. And so, if they had come along, we would have welcomed them gladly, but we did not feel that we could in good conscience, attempt to bring any children into the world at that time…and it shook me to the core, the reality that we might never get beyond that place, the questions about who I was, about what my role in this world was, about who God was. And faithful as always, God led me through those questions, through those doubts. He brought some amazing women alongside me to help me walk through them, and He brought me to a place where I was “okay.” And around that same time, other things, external, circumstantial factors began to change, and slowly, it began to seem as if we might someday be in a place in which we’d feel we could parent children. And now, today, I am the mother to two beautiful girls. Grace, glorious grace. O, praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.
And yet…there are still those days. I’m not sure the particulars matter – less than ideal circumstances exacerbated by my own poor responses. On days like that, what hits me hardest is the sense of loneliness – the compounding of a sense of distance in my relationships with my girls, a lack of deep unity with Matt, a lack of fellowship with others who are in a similar place (or even those who aren’t), and generally not feeling close to my God. It can be deeply disheartening.
But the mercies of God are new every morning.
And as I write, Mumford and Sons sing in the background.
And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.